A story about a dog, and not about anything else

These two dogs might look the same but one is better than the other, probably

These two dogs might look the same but one is better than the other, probably

When I was growing up my parents decided to buy our family a puppy. We hadn’t really had pets before, save for a couple of goldfish and a parrot who later turned out to be a massive racist. But my parents had both had dogs when they were young, and even though that was a generation ago and times had changed, I didn’t really have a problem with the idea.

The puppy we got was a West Highland Terrier. This particular one was highly thought of, but the previous owners had to part ways with him because they couldn’t afford to keep him. He had won competitions that the old owners entered him into, but that was in a different part of the country, and we were a little concerned about how he’d adapt to life in a big city.

It took a while, I’ll admit, even with us trying to ease him into his new life. After a couple of years we were so frustrated that we considered giving him away and replacing him with a cat or a rabbit, but then my mum suggested we enter him into a pet show. “Maybe he’s just missing being able to compete for trophies,” she said.

So we entered him into a local contest. While he had won big competitions in his previous home – he even competed at a national level once and, while he didn’t win, he did as well as could have been expected – we thought we’d go for something smaller and more comfortable.

Would you believe it, he only went and won the thing. That made our minds up for us – the puppy would stay. And now, as he reaches the end of his life, we’re delighted we made that decision.

Over the years we have entered him into bigger and fancier competitions, and never once has he looked out of place. Indeed most of the time we have found ourselves asking why we didn’t give him the chance sooner.

And on top of that, he’s improved the atmosphere around the family home. In his younger days, barely a day went by when he wouldn’t bring in some precious treasure from the garden. He found us a frog from next door’s pond which we left to its own devices and it provided great entertainment for years. He also befriended the Great Dane from up the road and allowed us to form a relationship with his owners which has lasted for years (even if we stopped seeing his puppies after a while). He even brought us a valuable jewel when we went on a trip to Holland and took him to the park.

Of course there were some less auspicious finds. Most of these were in his older days, but I do remember him bringing in a beautiful South American bird which ultimately proved more a curse than a blessing. In fact I’m fairly sure he only took it because he saw it being eyed up by the dog who belonged to that nouveau riche family at the top of the road eyeing it up.

More recently the gems have continued to arrive in their droves, but he often hasn’t brought us what we need or even want. Five or six years ago he found us a sturdy looking stick, which seemed like it would be great for kindling, but it soon broke and we never managed to fix it.

Now the time has finally come to replace him. Myself and my siblings have all moved out, but our parents wanted to tell us about their plans. The dog has borne a number of puppies over the years and they thought about just keeping those, but they weren’t sure any of them could handle the responsibility. There was also the option of buying a different breed – everyone is talking about pedigree German Shepherds, and I tried telling my dad that one of those would be great around the grandkids, but he was having none of it.

He and my mum had taken our old dog to a charity to give him away for the last few years of his life, and while they were there he started barking loudly but playfully at another Westie. I suspect he might have just been recognising another of his breed – all those years of lapping up spilt wine around the family dinner table might have caught up with him – but my dad interpreted it as our pet choosing his successor.

The new Westie hasn’t won any prizes before, and in all honesty he has had a rather unremarkable life, but my folks are happy with the continuity he provides. Good luck to them, though I think when the dust settles they might wish they had taken a little longer over their decision. Who knows, maybe they will decide to buy that German Shepherd in a couple of years after all.

Against Modern Parnaby, or how a Middlesbrough youth player will help bring José Mourinho back to England

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Despite him playing more than 200 professional games, no one actually knows what Stuart Parnaby looks like. He really is that forgettable.

It is a testament to how far our society has come that if you mention the words ‘butterfly effect’ to someone their first thought will not be of Ashton Kutcher’s early-2000s cinematic abortion.

Instead, in an increasingly rare demonstration of our status as rational beings, thoughts will turn to the concept of one tiny change affecting the future, however insignificant that change may seem. And it is with that phenomenon in mind that I hope to explain why – if José Mourinho does indeed return to the Premier League at the end of this season – it will be thanks to Stuart Parnaby.

I could attempt to take things further and attribute the return of The Special One to our hero’s father taking charge of Middlesbrough’s youth team a few years earlier, however this story begins in 2007.

Following several years of near-unbridled success in Portugal and West London, Mourinho left Chelsea despite a team including Juliano Belletti and Tal Ben-Haim holding European giants Rosenborg at Stamford Bridge two days earlier thanks to an equaliser from star striker Andriy Shevchenko.

 —

Meanwhile, a couple of miles to the north, Arsenal were taking advantage of being the only London club in the top flight not to change managers in the previous 18 months. They had opened up a lead at the top of the table as we entered 2008, a year best remembered for the release of the underappreciated Seth Green masterpiece Sex Drive.

Chelsea still lagged behind under Mourinho’s replacement and sex worker enthusiast Avram Grant, meaning Arsenal held a three-point advantage over second-place Manchester United when they travelled to a Birmingham City side languishing in 17th despite the holy trinity of Liam Ridgewell, Franck Queudrue and – yes – our friend Parnaby arriving in the summer.

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Not sure whether this represents a step up from McLeish’s Birmingham

Arsenal were flying, with star strikers Emmanuel Adebayor and Eduardo da Silva forming a partnership poised to serve Arsène Wenger’s side for years. However their task was made harder when, in the opening minutes, Martin Taylor launched into a tackle described as premeditated by those who hadn’t seen him play before and as typically uncoordinated by those who had. The upshot was Eduardo’s exit with a broken leg – to be replaced by human meme-generator Nicklas Bendtner – and, perhaps more importantly, Twitter’s Mikael Forssell being withdrawn to make way for S-Parn (as he will never be known).

The away side, understandably shaken by the horrific injury, fell behind to a James McFadden free-kick. However inspirational leader and captain William Gallas helped his team-mates regroup at the break and two goals from “new Jermaine Pennant” Theo Walcott looked to have kept Arsenal on course for the title.

But then something happened to change the course of the game, and, indeed, the season. Blues manager Alex McLeish reacted, leaving striker Cameron Jerome on the bench and introducing defensive midfielder Mehdi Nafti, throwing Parnaby forward in the hope that he could add to his impressive tally of two career goals in barely 100 games. And that stroke of genius had the impact everyone anticipated as Parnaby’s last-minute dive over Gaël Clichy’s outstretched leg earned Birmingham a penalty from which McFadden equalised.

 

The iconic image of that game, in some people’s eyes, was Gallas’ subsequent reaction, which had a pained, ‘why-always-me’ quality then associated with Sami Kuffour in 1999 rather than LADbanter Sulia-whoring social media accounts and sub-’Keep Calm…’ t-shirt slogans. While many Arsenal fans at the time denied the psychological impact of that moment, the fact remains that it sparked not only a downturn in form that season which saw Wenger’s team slide to third spot, but also an inherent fragility which – while often exaggerated – remains in some capacity to this day.

In tandem with this fragility, Arsenal’s descent from regular title challengers to a side chasing the top-four faux-trophy has seen the departure of Adebayor, Clichy and Samir Nasri to Manchester City, imbuing a sense of inferiority and semi-permanent fear of catastrophe in a team whose resources ought to prevent such an occurrence even if its history suggests otherwise.

While Adebayor may have moved on, the underwhelming performances of City’s French duo have played a part in two years of meh-against-boys in Europe, leading to the progress of the continentally immature Napoli and Dortmund mk.II at the Sky Blues’ expense. And, indeed, of José Mourinho’s Real Madrid.

Of course, few of you will need reminding of Mourinho’s post-Chelsea career path, suffice to say Massimo Moratti’s hilariously masochistic decision to replace him with Rafael Benitez following the 2010 Champions League win creates a neat little circle – and what is football if not a game of circles?

As Roman Abramovich seeks a solution to the destruction caused by his club’s current manager, who better to turn things around than someone whose own hard work was destroyed by the mere sight of Benitez?

Had Real Madrid failed to escape their Champions League ‘group of death’, Mourinho might have been reluctant to go out with such a whimper. However the confidence boost offered by the flakiness of a Manchester City side tainted by the memory of the Arsenal of 2008, plus the potential path to the final opened up by Barcelona’s 2-0 first leg defeat to a Milan side – with one of Mourinho’s former charges Sulley Muntari on the scoresheet – could offer the former Porto boss the chance to match Paulo Ferreira’s Champions League medal total and leave the Bernabeu on a high.

And so to Stamford Bridge, where Mourinho would have the opportunity to work with Ross Turnbull, who was given his football education by none other than Dave Parnaby, father of you-know-who. Don’t you just love it when things tie up neatly like that.

The best football writing of 2012

2012 has been a great year for football writing, quasi football writing and anti-football writing. Here are just some of the best examples I’ve read in the last 12 months. Some may have more literary merit than others, but all are great for different reasons. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Has the transfer market become self aware? by Andi Thomas for The FCF - http://thefcf.co.uk/2012/01/25/transfer-market-aware/10781/

Muamba: underneath the sensationalism is a genuinely positive story for football, at last by Michael Moruzzi for Regista Blog - http://www.regista-blog.com/2012/03/can-we-make-the-positive-response-to-muamba-last/

AFC Wimbledon: The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart by Jamie Cutteridge for The Real FA Cup - http://therealfacup.co.uk/2012/04/21/afc-wimbledon-the-pains-of-being-pure-at-heart/

Rafa’s Chelsea: A Journal by Rob Brown for The Carvalho Peninsulahttp://carvalhopeninsula.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/rafas-chelsea-journal.html

Coming up for air by Charlie Anderson for The Carvalho Peninsula http://carvalhopeninsula.tumblr.com/post/36841269534/coming-up-for-air

12 ways in which Fulham are ace by Max Grieve for Magic Spongers – http://magicspongers.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/12-ways-in-which-fulham-are-ace.html

The Danger of Mob Mentality by Ally Moncrieff for Balls, Boobs and Blow http://ballsboobsandblow.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/the-danger-of-mob-mentality/

Robin van POINTLESS by Magic Spongers http://magicspongers.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/robin-van-pointless.html

#34 – Emmanuel Frimpong by The 100 Worst People on Twitter http://100worstpeopleontwitter.tumblr.com/post/31332813011/34-emmanuel-frimpong

Nobody wins QPR ping-pong tournament by John Foster for Four Four Two

http://fourfourtwo.com/blogs/backofthenet/archive/2012/12/14/botn-nobody-wins-qpr-ping-pong-tournament.aspx

Gary Neville’s punditry is the best, but others need to raise their game by Michael Cox for The Guardian - http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2012/nov/27/gary-neville-punditry-sky-bbc

Antisemitic chants are sickening – and West Ham fans must show they care by Jacob Steinberg for The Guardian – http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2012/nov/26/west-ham-antisemitic-chants-sickening?CMP=twt_gu

The Trial Of John T by Greg Theoharis for Dispatches from a Football Sofa ­http://dispatchesfromafootballsofa.com/2012/02/05/the-trial-of-john-terry/

Scott Murray on Cesar Luis Menotti’s Triumph by Surreal Football - http://surrealfootball.com/post/34700950575/scott-murray-on-cesar-luis-menottis-triumph

An idiot’s guide to the Ballon d’Or shortlist by Tom Adams for Eurosport - http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/early-doors/idiot-guide-ballon-d-shortlist-090448634.html

New advert for the Premier League is actually a terrible ‘advert for the Premier League’by Nick Dunmore for Fisted Away- http://fistedaway.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/new-advert-for-the-premier-league-is-actually-a-terrible-advert-for-the-premier-league/

Paul Jewell and the further decline of Ipswich Town – by Gavin Barber for The Two Unfortunateshttp://thetwounfortunates.com/paul-jewell-and-the-further-decline-of-ipswich-town/

Manchester United And Liverpool, Still Suffering From Their 2009 Hangover by Callum Hamilton for SB Nation - http://www.sbnation.com/soccer/2012/9/22/3372736/manchester-united-and-liverpool-still-suffering-from-their-2009

Return of the rascal king by John McGee for Bring me the head of Keith Mincher - http://www.keithmincher.com/return-of-the-rascal/

Soccer under the Swastika: Football’s forgotten Holocaust victims by Kieran Dodds for In Bed With Maradona - http://inbedwithmaradona.com/journal/2012/9/17/soccer-under-the-swastika-footballs-forgotten-holocaust-vict.html

The whistleblower left out in the cold by James Horncastle for Eurosport http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/pitchside-europe/whistleblower-left-cold-164804765.html

2016-17: The Season in Review by Rob Langham for The Two Unfortunates http://thetwounfortunates.com/2016-17-the-season-in-review/

My First Game for Manchester United by Robin van Persie’s inner child for Ruud Gullit Sitting on a Shed - http://rgsoas.wordpress.com/2012/08/21/everton-vs-manchester-united-as-it-happened/

Why ‘Vile’ Football Can Look Olympics In The Face by Jack Howes for The Daisy Cutter- http://www.thedaisycutter.co.uk/2012/08/why-vile-football-can-look-olympics-in-the-face/

The Last Championsby Juliet Jacques for The New Statesman- http://www.newstatesman.com/blogs/lifestyle/2012/07/last-champions

If you want to do satire, do it properly

(Disclaimer: this blog believes Martin Samuel is bigoted as much as it believes Joey Barton is gay)

(Disclaimer: this blog believes Martin Samuel is bigoted as much as it believes Joey Barton is gay. The analogies were just easier to write by starting from that premise)

Could just one tabloid journalist admit to their bigotry, so everyone can be really cool about it while simultanously pretending “be really cool about it” is part of their everyday vocabulary? Just one, and preferably a high-profile one at that.

Journalism is beginning to sound a little desperate with its pleading. Politics, football, the cast of Seinfeld, they’ve all had their watershed moments.

And until journalism does too, it will continue to be presumed to have evolved beyond that piece on the Olympics opening ceremony that said: “It is likely to be a challenge for the organisers to find an educated white middle-aged mother and black father living together with a happy family in such a set-up.”

(Jeremy Clarkson has been openly bigoted for years, without comment, but that does not seem to count)

The Leveson Inquiry has called for stronger press regulation, while last week Piers Morgan said something that more than three people publicly agreed with. So here’s a thought. In the quest for intellectual and social respectability more hits on their website, why not come out as football’s answer to Glenn Beck?

Instant credibility (the literal definition of someone believing you mean what you say). Instant respect, from some people at least, safe in the knowledge that your work won’t be plagiarised by Johann Hari or future employers. Past misdeeds glossed over by Joey Barton.

Well of course he hinted at Joey Barton being gay because he put on a bad French accent. It was satire, making a wider point about homophobia in football.”

And imagine the new material for the comment pieces: Mein Kampf, Fox News, Antonio Cassano’s everyday conversations.

And let’s face it, given what’s been written in the press this year, one or two are already halfway there.

Lights, Kamara, Action: If the FA listened to Hollywood

Sorry Diomansy, you don’t feature in the article. I’m only using you for what is at best an average pun

[warning: this article contains spoilers]

This week, in an unprecedented (not to mention ridiculous) move, UEFA decided to hand Shakhtar Donetsk forward Luiz Adriano a one-match ban for scoring a goal. But that’s not even the best bit!

The Brazilian is also required to partake in a day of “community football service”, which presumably equates to the punishment meted out to those two happy-go-lucky criminals at the end of Purely Belter.

For those of you unfamiliar with the finest football-themed film this side of Shaolin Soccer, it consists of making tea for an elderly lady whose apartment overlooks Newcastle United’s St James Park stadium. Not bad, you might think, until you realise that leaves you powerless to cover your eyes when Clarence Acuña and Daniel Cordone are on the pitch, for fear of spilling scalding hot liquid down your newly-pressed jumpsuit.

Anyway, this got me thinking. Why should we restrict these punishments to players whose team already turns out in Guantanamo orange, as if to pigeonhole them even further? Why not extend the appropriate (or not) sanctions to others? With that in mind, here are a few more ideas which cinema has thrown my way.

1.       After shooting a work experience kid with an air-gun, Ashley Cole should have been required to conduct a real-life re-enactment of the City of God scene where Lil Zé decides which one of two youths to shoot. You know, in an ironic, putting your kid off smoking by forcing him to work his way through a whole pack of cigarettes kind of way.

2.       As punishment for what is known in the FIFA rulebook as “not shutting the fuck up”, Jamie Carragher should be ordered to cut his own tongue in half with a pair of scissors, like in Oldboy.

3.       During his spell at West Ham, Benni McCarthy ought to have been served the chocolate cake presented to Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda, to see how hungry he really was.

4.       Following years of gruesome fouls, a 60-year-old Roy Keane should be sent back in time 30 years to have his legs broken by his younger self, as in Looper.

5.       After his selfish move to the middle-east, Asamoah Gyan will be forced to make an Argo-style sci-fi movie with Stefan Effenberg, Fabio Cannavaro, Mark Bresciano and Ben Affleck.

6.       El-Hadji Diouf must come face-to-face with the “cocknocker” from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, as punishment for being an utter penis.

Any more suggestions? Leave them below the line, get in touch on Twitter (@tomvictor) or shout them at passing strangers on the street.

A good piece of business?

Four goals in three games have seen Robin van Persie already begin to repay his transfer fee

 

by Rich Ward

In the wake of Robin van Persie’s very high-profile transfer to Manchester United, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger won praise from all quarters for a piece of “good business”.

The spin was that he had managed to offload an aging, injury-prone striker, with only a year left on his contract, for £24 million.

However, the reality is perhaps a little different. Despite coming with a ‘crock warning’, RVP actually made at least 33 appearances in three of his final four seasons with the Gunners – not to mention his tally of 37 goals in 48 appearances last term.

While it remains to seen whether Podolski, Cazorla and Giroud can provide enough firepower between them to compensate for van Persie’s exit, from Manchester United’s perspective they will be delighted that he appears to have started where he left off last season, with four stunning goals in his last two games.

The irony is that, with Wayne Rooney yet to recover from a deep gash to his leg, Alex Ferguson is currently relying on the “injury-prone” Dutchman to spearhead the Red Devils’ attack.

In fact, so seamless has the former Gunner’s integration at Old Trafford been that Rooney, who even before he was studded against Fulham looked far from the top of his game, might find it hard to get back in the starting XI.

If selling RVP was a good bit of business for Wenger, how must Sir Alex be feeling? Pretty satisfied I’d imagine.

 

About the author:

Rich Ward is a writer, journalist and guitarist. You can follow him on Twitter, if you feel so inclined.

Robin van Persie: Better Late than Never

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Robin van Persie in action against Swansea City

I wanted to start this with a comparison, another Premier League transfer comparable to that of Robin van Persie to Manchester United in terms of scale and impact on both clubs, but I struggled to find anything appropriate.

Tottenham weren’t quite at the same level as Arsenal when Dimitar Berbatov left for United. Alan Shearer’s move from Blackburn to Newcastle was tempered in its impact by the hometown club element. Even Samir Nasri’s decision to trade London for Manchester last summer is separated from van Persie’s by virtue of the Frenchman having had a far less enduring impact on the club than his Dutch team-mate.

Whatever way you look at it, the transfer is tough to take for Arsenal fans.

This is a player who has been with the club for eight years, and is part of an ever-decreasing circle of those who have had a fair glimpse of glory, be it through the Champions League final defeat to Barcelona in 2006 or even the Carling Cup final the following year.

Then, of course, you have his contribution to the here and now. 30 league goals last season made van Persie less dispensable than at arguably any other time in his Arsenal career, although a portion of this may be down to the relative paucity of the attacking talent that surrounded him over the last 12 months.

Sure, measures have been taken to rectify this gulf in the close-season, and many rightfully interpreted the arrival of Lukas Podolski, Olivier Giroud and Santi Cazorla as a precursor to the former Feyenoord man’s exit. The outraged minority (I’m looking at you, Piers) may however continue to propagate the image of Abramovich-era football as an entertainment of immediacy. Having been offered multiple carrots in the years since the superfood salad of an unbeaten 2003/04 season, there are plenty who lack the patience to favour a long-term model in comparison to a quantifiable improvement over the prior campaign.

This, of course, is by no means limited to Arsenal – you need look no further than the treatment of several of Jose Mourinho’s successors at Chelsea for another even more extreme example – but this seems ironic given van Persie’s imminent destination.

It is difficult to argue that United’s patience with manager Sir Alex Ferguson in his early years in the job, when he was lacking in two varieties of title, would be tolerated in the modern era. However that patience has played a major role in the club reaching its current level and, yes, being in a position where they are able to entice a player of van Persie’s calibre.

While the financial gap between Champions League and the rest hinders the case for blind faith, there remains an argument for the trusting middle-ground common to Arsenal fans over the years but from which a proportion of the Emirates faithful is beginning to distance itself.

Part of Ferguson’s success has come from demolishing and rebuilding empires when he begins to see the pieces falling, to the point where four-year cycles often replicate those of international sides’ World Cup campaigns when it comes to changes of style as well as raw materials. With this in mind, the exit of van Persie could have another hidden benefit.

His departure almost forces Arsene Wenger’s hand, requiring the manager to mould a playing style which fits his new and expensively-assembled forward line, rather than having the luxury on being able to fall back on the goals of his talisman to achieve what is required. Indeed, with some arguing that van Persie is unlikely to have more than two more years of blistering form ahead of him, the striker remaining at Arsenal could well have had an even more detrimental effect were he to leave further down the line with money having already been wasted on an elaborate plan B.

One element of the saga I have not touched upon is the allegations of ‘lack of ambition’ leveled at van Persie by certain Arsenal fans. For the pure ridiculousness of this statement, I will leave it untouched.

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