Lights, Kamara, Action: If the FA listened to Hollywood

Sorry Diomansy, you don’t feature in the article. I’m only using you for what is at best an average pun

[warning: this article contains spoilers]

This week, in an unprecedented (not to mention ridiculous) move, UEFA decided to hand Shakhtar Donetsk forward Luiz Adriano a one-match ban for scoring a goal. But that’s not even the best bit!

The Brazilian is also required to partake in a day of “community football service”, which presumably equates to the punishment meted out to those two happy-go-lucky criminals at the end of Purely Belter.

For those of you unfamiliar with the finest football-themed film this side of Shaolin Soccer, it consists of making tea for an elderly lady whose apartment overlooks Newcastle United’s St James Park stadium. Not bad, you might think, until you realise that leaves you powerless to cover your eyes when Clarence Acuña and Daniel Cordone are on the pitch, for fear of spilling scalding hot liquid down your newly-pressed jumpsuit.

Anyway, this got me thinking. Why should we restrict these punishments to players whose team already turns out in Guantanamo orange, as if to pigeonhole them even further? Why not extend the appropriate (or not) sanctions to others? With that in mind, here are a few more ideas which cinema has thrown my way.

1.       After shooting a work experience kid with an air-gun, Ashley Cole should have been required to conduct a real-life re-enactment of the City of God scene where Lil Zé decides which one of two youths to shoot. You know, in an ironic, putting your kid off smoking by forcing him to work his way through a whole pack of cigarettes kind of way.

2.       As punishment for what is known in the FIFA rulebook as “not shutting the fuck up”, Jamie Carragher should be ordered to cut his own tongue in half with a pair of scissors, like in Oldboy.

3.       During his spell at West Ham, Benni McCarthy ought to have been served the chocolate cake presented to Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda, to see how hungry he really was.

4.       Following years of gruesome fouls, a 60-year-old Roy Keane should be sent back in time 30 years to have his legs broken by his younger self, as in Looper.

5.       After his selfish move to the middle-east, Asamoah Gyan will be forced to make an Argo-style sci-fi movie with Stefan Effenberg, Fabio Cannavaro, Mark Bresciano and Ben Affleck.

6.       El-Hadji Diouf must come face-to-face with the “cocknocker” from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, as punishment for being an utter penis.

Any more suggestions? Leave them below the line, get in touch on Twitter (@tomvictor) or shout them at passing strangers on the street.

November 29, 2012
Categories: Uncategorized . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tomvictor . Comments: 1 Comment

Bobby vs the Bookies

In his first guest post for Pele Confidential, Bobby Hare makes his predictions for a selection of the weekend’s Premier League games.

West Bromwich Albion/Birmingham City Premiership 18.09.10 Photo: Tim Parker Fotosports International Peter Odemwingie celebrates WBA 2nd goal Photo via Newscom

Payday’s a couple of weeks away, I’m precariously close to the wrong end of my overdraft and Christmas presents for the family aren’t going to buy themselves.

Nonetheless, there’s a cracking weekend of Premier League football to come so it’s time to get down the bookies (or onto their websites). Feast your eyes on my tips and you’ll be quids in. Hopefully.

Aston Villa vs West Bromwich Albion

As soon as Martin O’Neill decided to leave Villa in the lurch just five days before the start of the new season, it was always likely that they were going to have a season of transition.

Whilst a lowly position of 16th looks precarious, any judgement of Gerard Houllier’s team needs to be placed into context.

The tightness of the Premier League means that whilst the pessimist will point out that Villa are only two points from the relegation zone, a (wo)man of a cheerier disposition will retort that they are a mere three points from mid-table security.

Albion have enjoyed a great return to the top league, with Roberto Di Matteo promoting a style of ‘carpet football’ that regularly delights the neutral observer.

In Chris Brunt, Somen Tchoyi and Peter Odemwingie, the Baggies have an attacking triumvirate that are capable of hitting the net and the general (understated) quality of their squad means that they’ll be more than comfortable this season.

That said, their away form is rather hit-and-miss at the moment (only one win in the past five), while Villa have only been beaten once at home in eight outings.

With Ashley Young back in the side, Villa will add some much needed attacking impetus to a line-up that looked severely deficient at the sharp end against Liverpool on Monday.

Emile Heskey is also likely to start, although I am still undecided as to whether this will be to Villa’s detriment or not.

Considering Villa’s poor form, 11/10 for them to win is a little skinny for my liking, but given both sides’ propensity to ship goals, betting on over three goals at 2/1 is money in the bank.

Everton vs Wigan Athletic

Casting a quick glance over the fixture list tells me that there aren’t many bankers in the Premier League over the coming days, but Everton’s weekend assignment against Wigan is probably as
straightforward a task as any side will have.

David Moyes’ boys have struggled thus far, but it should come as no surprise whatsoever. There are seemingly three certainties in life: taxes, death and Everton having half a season of hibernation before they start bothering.

It’s a mystery as to why the Toffees seem to begin each season in such lacklustre fashion, but if they could replicate their frequent post-Christmas surges in the first half of each campaign, they’d be bona fide Champions League contenders.

Despite indifferent form, they’ll be buoyed by their recent (fully deserved) point at Stamford Bridge and this is probably the point they will start to kick on.

Perhaps not coincidentally, their squad is beginning to assume a more familiar complexion, with a number of injured absentees slowly returning to the fray.

Wigan, meanwhile, are a poor side. They’re frightfully inept in front of goal (only 13 goals in 16 games) and astonishingly accommodative to opposition attackers (28 conceded).

Perhaps more concerning is that Roberto Martinez can’t seem to compute the fact that they’re in dire straits.

Wigan will probably be relegated this season. There won’t be much of a fight. It won’t be very exciting. And once they’re gone, no one will really care.

Tim Cahill is Everton’s top scorer this season with an impressive haul of eight league goals. I’m tempted by him to score first at 9/2 (whilst the more conservative punter might be attracted by Cahill anytime at 6/5). Such will be the Merseysiders’ superiority in this one, I’ll be getting on Everton to win both halves at 2/1.

West Ham United vs Manchester City

If we discount West Ham’s demolition of Man Utd in the Carling Cup (and I really would urge everyone to forget that particular result) then it’s fair to posit that the Hammers are a struggling outfit.

They’ve collected only four points from their last five games and are arguably a long-term Scott Parker injury away from going down, unless some of the supporting cast can come to the fore.

Victor Obinna has played a more influential role in recent weeks, whilst Avram Grant will be hoping he can coax more of the sort of performance that Carlton Cole produced when he terrorised Jonny Evans in the aforementioned cup win.

With Rob Green enjoying a quietly effective season following his tortuous summer with England and Matt Upson slowly edging back to his best form, there is hope for the East Londoners.

Meanwhile Man City are besieged by infighting as Roberto Mancini (the third Roberto mentioned in this column!) apparently struggles to juggle the assortment of egos in the Eastlands dressing room.

If press rumours are to be believed (in this column, for the sake of a more interesting discourse, they will be) Carlos Tevez can’t stand his manager. But far from throwing a strop, the indefatigable Argentinean has channelled his frustrations postively – finding the net 10 times already.

And therein lies City’s problem. Tevez accounts for nearly half of all his side’s goals and he’s suspended on Saturday.

Shorn of their talisman and attacking inspiration, City could struggle to break their opponents down, while West Ham don’t exactly boast a galaxy of attacking riches either.

Something tells me that neither team will have enough firepower to win this one and I’ll be piling on the draw at a shade over twos.

Tottenham Hotspur vs Chelsea

Gareth Bale Tottenham Hotspur 2010/11 Rafael Da Silva Manchester United Manchester United V Tottenham Hotspur (2-0) 30/10/10 The Premier League Photo: Robin Parker Fotosports International Photo via Newscom

Perhaps it’s the fact that he’s not speaking his native language, meaning he can’t suitably paint a picture of how he truly feels, but Carlo Ancelotti is magnificently understated every time he tells
us: “it’s not a good moment.”

It’d be far more apt to say: “it’s an absolute fucking crisis to be honest.” But Carlo is a nice man, with a superb eyebrow, so I’m prepared to let it slide.

Sometimes teams suffer a loss of form and it’s difficult to pinpoint quite what’s gone wrong. This is not one of those situations.

Roman Abramovich has been a bit of a silly bugger by interfering with a side that started the season as though they were intent on smashing the 100-goal barrier for a second consecutive year.

Meanwhile, Tottenham are chugging along beautifully as the neutrals’ second team, playing a brand of football that relies on a swashbuckling ‘you score three, we’ll score four’ approach.

They also consigned a particularly troubling ghost to its grave when they completed an unlikely comeback over Arsenal at the Emirates last month: They finally beat one of the big boys away from home.

Whilst it can be argued that this was only one isolated victory, it’s still likely that Spurs have smashed a key mental barrier and they’ll feel as though they are now fully paid up members of the league’s ‘Big Four.’

Chelsea are a big-game team, and there is a school of thought that consecutive fixtures against Spurs (away), Man Utd (home) and Arsenal (away) is just what they need to overcome their malaise.

But I play truant from that particular school. Whilst it’s arguable that 8/5 for ‘Chewsea’ is an inviting price, I tend to think it’s a bit skimpy considering they’ve mustered a paltry three goals in their last six league games and collected just five points.

Instead, I’ll be looking at the in-form Gareth Bale (who has goals
against Arsenal, Chelsea and Internazionale against his name this calendar year), playing against one of Chelsea’s rickety right backs, to score anytime at 11/4.


Manchester United vs Arsenal

Arsenal and United are positioned one and two going into this weekend. The former are genuine title contenders once more and for the first time in a while between these two clubs, there appears to be an undercurrent of animosity and needling.

United’s Patrice Evra, the loon of a left back, has fanned the flames by stating that Arsenal are a club in “crisis” having not troubled the trophy engravers for five years, whilst Arsene Wenger’s retort is that his fellow countryman has been disrespectful.

However, shorn of combustible characters like Patrick Vieira, Roy Keane, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Martin Keown, the game itself is likely to go relatively incident free.

On the pitch, United-Arsenal games at Old Trafford have tended to be tight affairs of late. United have won two of the past three games 2-1, with the odd game being drawn 0-0.

Interestingly, in the two United wins, it was Arsenal who took the lead before being pegged back and eventually defeated. And that is pretty much an encapsulation of the current Arsenal crop: they beguile us at the beginning, teasing and tantalising us into thinking they can challenge, before they’re bought crashing down to the
ground by a grittier and more determined outfit.

Irrespective of the fact that both sides have conceded goals with alarming regularity, this game probably won’t be a goalfest. The stakes are far too high for an open exhibition of attacking football to
be displayed.

Given Arsenal’s penchant for a collapse, I’m tempted to have a flutter on Arsenal half-time, Man Utd full-time at a meaty 22-1.

Finally, if you like your doubles, why not get on Man Utd and Tottenham at over 4s?

Good luck and Merry Crimbo!

(All odds are from Bet365.com)

December 11, 2010
Categories: Betting, Premier League . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tomvictor . Comments: Leave a Comment

That’s what I’m talking about

I know it is risky to write an article on World Cup talking points ahead of the final, particularly considering Zinedine Zidane’s moment of madness four years ago.

However, in a vain hope that the final will be remembered for footballing reasons alone, I feel now is the time to run through three of the key issues to have arisen over the last month in South Africa.

I just want to add one rider to this article – I shall not be mentioning Vuvuzelas. The debate has been done to death, and I have no reason to bore you any further on the matter. So, without further ado, here are three talking points which have been doing the rounds during the 2010 World Cup.

1. The Jabulani

Don’t get me wrong, I realise in advance of every World Cup we get the inevitable debate about the ball.

Normally we see goalkeepers from all countries getting their excuses in, joined by the occasional manager being disproportionately critical, using hyperbole to express mild dissatisfaction.

But this year I think people may have been within their rights to complain.

I’m not talking about the swerve on the ball, which has become part and parcel of the modern game, particularly now with the regular exploits of players like Cristiano Ronaldo and Keisuke Honda.

Few have tamed the Jabulani as well as Honda

A bigger issue this year has been the overhit passes which have plagued the tournament. It seems as though the shape of the Jabulani is causing it to skid across the turf much quicker than players are accustomed to, taking the sliderule through-ball – often an important weapon – out of many sides’ arsenals.

This has contributed to altogether scrappier play, and has allowed well-organised defenced (such as Algeria’s against England and Switzerland’s against Spain) to flourish.

At the same time, pacy strikers, whose game revolves around such through balls, have struggled to carve out chances. You need look no further than the disappointing campaigns from Torres, Anelka and co for evidence of this.

2. The French débâcle

One of the more embarrassing stories of this World Cup surrounds the very public falling-out between players and staff in the France squad.

Perhaps the whole spectacle was used as a tool to draw attention away from a dismal campaign, beginning with a draw against 10-man Uruguay in arguably the worst game of the tournament (and it had a decent amount of competition) and going downhill from there.

We all know what came next – Nicolas Anelka left the squad in a Keane-esque display of dissatisfaction, while captain Patrice Evra betrayed his calm image by getting into a fight with fitness coach Robert Duverne.

While there is obviously no excusing the behaviour of senior French players, particularly given the example they were expected to set to the millions of fans watching at home, there is a feeling all of this might have been avoided had the French FA parted company with Raymond Domenech sooner.

Many French fans will be happy to see the back of manager Raymond Domenech

Just as Rafa Benitez dined on his 2005 Champions League victory while at Liverpool, Domenech has remained in a job longer than many feel he deserved to, simply on the basis of his country’s performance in the 2006 World Cup.

Even then he was living something of a charmed life, with a strong French side struggling to escape a weak group, before Zidane essentially carried the team through the knockout phases.

Now, I won’t get into the debate over whether Domenech – whose only previous top-flight managerial experience ended in 1993 – is qualified for the job.

Rather I will raise the point that the man once in charge of the France under-21 squad (from which many of his current charges graduated) has been unable to gain the support of his players for the most part. If a team containing Ribery, Evra, Anelka, Malouda and others can go two major competitions without winning a game, it doesn’t take a psychic octopus to work out that something is wrong.

French fans will now hope the appointment of Laurent Blanc as Domenech’s successor marks the beginning of a new, less controversial era. If Blanc can get the best out of the likes of Yoann Gourcuff – as he did when manager at Bordeaux – a French footballing renaissance should not be far away.

3. The new ‘Hand of God’

In the 120th minute of Ghana’s quarter-final against Uruguay, Luis Suarez stuck out a hand to block Dominic Adiyiah’s goalbound effort.

As I’m sure you know, Suarez was sent off, Asamoah Gyan missed the ensuing penalty, and Uruguay went through to the semi-finals after a penalty shootout (incidentally, Adiyiah missed the decisive kick).

The furore surrounding Suarez’s actions was immense and well-publicised, yet when Harry Kewell was guilty of the same offence in Ghana’s group game against Australia, not a single word of ill-will was uttered. Could it be that the only reason for the differing reactions is that Gyan scored one of the penalties and missed the other?

The short answer is no.

The long answer? While some will argue Suarez’s actions were no less instinctive than those of Kewell, it is the response of the Ajax striker to which many have taken exception.

Suarez's name will surely go down forever in World Cup folklore

Not only did he irk Ghanaian supporters (not to mention those in other countries) with talk of the hand of God, but he then had the temerity to hound referee Benito Archundia in the third/fourth-place play-off after his free-kick was blocked by a German hand.

It is at least partly a matter of grace, although don’t try telling that to Adiyiah. Had Suarez the humility to admit his act was borne out of instinct, and then show remorse, he would surely have been looked upon with a little more respect. After all, he was punished for the offence, and it is not his fault that Gyan missed from the spot (or that Uruguay won the shootout).

However by revelling in the handball – essentially admitting to cheating to gain an advantage – Suarez has ensured his World Cup will be remembered not for his three goals, but for his one less-than-honourable decision.

Hopefully all gamesmanship will be put to one side tonight, when Holland and Spain run out at the Soccer City stadium. With the world watching, everyone will be hoping the two teams let their football do the talking.

July 11, 2010
Categories: Uncategorized . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tomvictor . Comments: 3 Comments

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